A beautifully painted box for Pax

So, Chad and I found a beautifully painted red and yellow box for Pax.

The box is from India and it is called a Shekhawati box. "In 18th Century India, wealthy merchants built beautifully painted Havelis (mansions) in the Rajasthan area of India. Over time, the artisans began painting every day household items. This box is an excellent example of the hand painted style in both the color and the delicate pattern."

We thought the box was absolutley beautiful and that it would be the perfect place for us to place the few memorable items we have of Pax. We would like to invite anyone who would like to add something, like a note or card (or whatever) to the box to please feel free to help us do so. If you want to add a letter, but don't want us to read it, that's fine with us too. We'll leave it sealed in the box. The only thing to keep in mind is that it is not a big box. Only 11 x 8'' on the inside.

Items we are currently keeping in the box:

When we first found out I was pregnant, we started a journal with the intention of writing in it over the years as our child grew up and someday, when they were grown we would give it to them. We've decided that even though Pax is gone we're going to keep this journal in the box and we've both agreed that we will still (and have since) continued to write in it to help with grieving process and to help us remember Pax, and the ever so short time we had him in our lives.

We're also going to store all the wonderful cards, letters, and notes that we have recieved from friends.

We're going to add a couple of the Jones Soda bottles that we used to announce him to the world.

At Nancy's request, we added the "I love my Grandma" bib that she got him after she found out she was going to be a Grandma.

Future additions:

We will get copies of all of Pax' ultrasound photos and add them.

Many people have pledged to plant trees in the near future in Pax honor (the response has been amazing and we're very excited to see people follow through with this) and we are hoping to get pictures of as many of the trees as possible after they are planted and we'll add those photos to the box too.

Also, I intend to announce on the blog whenever I find out that someone has planted a tree or has donated money to one of the charities. So, please, PLESE, keep us updated on the tree plantings and the donations you've made so that we can share with everyone the positive things that are coming out of this experience. It means the world to Chad and I, but also all of you family and frineds that are grieving with us. It helps Chad and I more than people can ever magine.

Thanks to everyone for all your love and support.

Getting out of the house - letting the world back in.

Okay, so I'll be the first to admit that I have pretty much locked myself in the house for the last week and shut the world completley out in order to cry, and then cry some more, and then cry even more.... I've ignored phone calls, emails, and even visits from friends. Our doorbell suddenly quit working. (Seriously, it just quit, and we've just left it that way.) I took it as a sign from the universe that it was okay for me to be selfish and ignore everything... for a bit. I will not apologize for this because I know you all understand and shutting out the world for a while felt like exactly what I've needed to do. From the time Pax was diagnosed until last week when he passed away life was so chaotic and filled with nothing but talking to doctors, talking to family, talking to friends, talking to each other, repeat... repeat... repeat... It felt like life was non stop talking with no answers whatsoever and no comfort to be found. But now we have comfort knowing that Pax will suffer no more and he's in a much better place. And while this is still an incredibly, incredibly hard time, I'm working on letting the world back in... slowly.

I have returned to work and everyone has been so amazing and supportive. I am lucky to work with so many people that are more like family than co-workers. They've made it as easy a transition for me and as welcoming as they possibly can. (Thank you guys!)

One of the most enjoyable outing we've had was a walk to the park with Nali. Chad and I walked down to Vetrans Memorial Park with her on a HOT afternoon so that we could 'play' with her in the water. Why did I put apostrophes around the word play? Well, many of you know that Nali is the weirdest lab in the world and she doesn't fetch, or particularly like water, among other quirks. So, by 'play' I mean that we spent time trying to coax her into the water and convince her that she's having a good time (instead she just acts like we're torchering her). In the end, Chad just kept throwing her in the river in an attempt to try to get her to see that it's not all that bad. Check out the photos. They're pretty cute if you ask us. (Nali might consider them as concrete physical evidence of torture though)

Chad, trying to coax her in.

Chad, 'convincing' her to get in.

Look at Chad's grin!

This is Nali's 'stop torturing me' face.

Then when it's all said and done, we bribe her with treats so she won't report us to the dog police for the torture we put her through.

In addition to this wonderful outing, we actually went out downtown last night for a concert. I admit that I was incredibly, INCREDIBLY aprehensive about going out in public. As you all can imagine, I never know from moment to moment how my emotions are going to be and how I'm going to handle the sadness when it hits me.

Chad's mom had gotten us the tickets to this concert (Ani Difranco) weeks ago, but in the midst of all the chaos in the last month and a half, we'd completely forgot about the concert. She contacted us a couple days ago to remind us and ask us if we were still interested in going. I was scared and reluctant to go. But after Chad and I talked we decided it would be good for me to get out and see some friends. We agreed that if at any time I broke down or was feeling overwhelmed I would simply leave.

The night was wonderful and I think it was exactly the 'easing back into something social' that I needed. Chad had to work until right before the concert started, so I met up with our wonderful friends Monica and Tanya for dinner at one of my favorite restraunts before the concert. The restraunt is called Bar Gernika and I got to enjoy one of my all time favorite foods - croquetas (aka 'little Basque balls of fried heaven'). I haven't enjoyed them in almost 6 months because they're not exactly considered healthy food to eat while you're pregnant. We then headed over to the concert house where I met up with Sara and Dallas. We had to separate from our friends at the door because Nancy had gotten us VIP tickets to the show and we were let in early at a seprate entrance. (Thanks Nancy!) This was wonderful because this allowed us to find a table and chairs on the first floor with a perfect view of the stage. Chad made it to the concert right before Ani started to play (to my complete relief because yes, I was increasingly apprehensive and anxious without him there in a huge crowd of people - just ask Sara).

Ani put on an absolutely amazing show and it was nice to see her play again as she's one of our all-time favorite artists. It was also a wonderful evening because we ran into a lot of great people at the show, some of whom we haven't seen in 7 years! and some who just moved back to Boise. It was a great evening and it made me smile many times which is a nice feeling for a change.

So, overall, I just wanted to let everyone know that while this is an incredibly hard time, we are doing okay. How could we not be with all the love and support everyone has shown us?

Also, I will try to post pictures of the Alaska trip that we took a couple weeks ago that got ignored on the blog. Hopefully I can do that this weekend or early next week.

Pax Corbyn Schwend - Rest in Peace

To our great sorrow, our son has moved on to a better place.

Rest in Peace

Pax Corbyn Schwend
“Peaceful, Raven” in latin

Rest in Peace

We love you. We miss you. We will think of you always.
You will live on in our hearts.

______________________________________________________
For anyone wishing to do something for us, we are asking people to help us remember our son by contributing in one of the following ways:

Plant a tree in honor of our son. Pick a tree, any tree, and plant it somewhere where it can grow big, strong and healthy in honor of our son. Please, let us know where it is and what kind of tree it is so that we might be able to visit it and watch it grow over the years. It would really mean a lot to us all to know there are a bunch of trees out there growing just for him.

Make a donation to one of the following Congenital Heart Defect Foundations. It doesn’t matter at all how much the donation is. Anything helps. You don’t have to tell us how much you’ve donated; just let us know that you’ve made one. We’ve decided to make a yearly contribution as a remembrance.

http://tchin.org/spencersfund/
www.littlehearts.org

Either one of these would immensely help us and our family in the healing process right now. It will take some time. We appreciate all the love and support.

Chad and Nicki Schwend

Baby news - taking the good with the bad

So, the fun news is we had another ultrasound on Wednesday. On my way to pick Chad up from his job to go to the appointment, I felt for the first time what I finally knew for sure to be the baby kicking or moving. It was amazing! I was so excited to feel it move on the very day we were going to find out it’s gender. And we’ve been so anxious to find out if it was a boy or girl so that we can really start looking into baby names with confidence. Well, the ultrasound was very clear in the gender department. It’s definitely a boy!

See, it's a boy! XY!

Here's his little foot!

And here he is!

And now, for the bad news: The ultrasound was also very clear that our baby has a congenital heart defect. Unfortunately there is no question or mistake about this fact. The ultrasound doctor (Dr. Bobrowski) told us immediately after the ultrasound that they didn’t like what they were seeing with the baby’s heart and that she wanted to send us to see a Pediatric Cardiologist who could better determine what they were seeing and give us accurate information. So, in a panic and a daze we rushed over to St. Luke’s hospital where we met with Dr. Womack. Unfortunately, after doing his own lengthy ultrasound on the baby’s heart, he confirmed the existence of the heart defect.

Dr. Womack explained a lot of things to us: At this stage the baby’s heart is only about 1cm big (that’s tiny). For this stage in the pregnancy (18 weeks out of 40) we are getting a very good view of the baby’s heart, however, it is still too tiny and too early to establish exactly what the problem is. At this point Dr. Womack thinks it is most likely one of two possible diagnosis: Truncus Arteriosus or Tetralogy of Fallot (possibly with Pulmonary Artesia). If you plan on looking these up on the internet – STAY ON REPUTABLE MEDICAL WEBSITES ONLY such as the American Heart Association’s site. The doctors warned us over and over about all the websites with misleading and incorrect information that will do nothing but scare us (more) and misinform us.

The diagnosis above are confusing, ‘scary as hell’ words, believe me, I know! But, essentially, what all the ultrasounds are showing is this:

A normal human heart has 4 different chambers (two atrium and two ventricles, one of each on each side of the heart). Thankfully our baby seems to have developed all four chambers and they are proportionate to one another (this is a VERY good thing!!!!!)

The problem is the two arteries (aorta and pulmonary) and how they are connected to the heart. In a normal heart the pulmonary artery attaches to the right ventricle, comes up, splits in two, and supplies blood to each of the lungs to be oxygenated. The aorta attaches to the left ventricle and supplies oxygenated blood to the body.

In our baby it appears that there is only one giant artery attached to the center of the heart. It appears that the giant artery is the aorta and that the pulmonary artery might be attached to the side(s) of the aorta somehow. Put basically, our child’s ‘plumbing is hooked up wrong’ to the heart.

Truncus Arteriosus on right (AO= Aorta, PA= Pulmonary)

Tetralogy of Fallot on right

Dr. Womack reiterated with us that the heart itself seems to be developed fine and it appears to be strong (he’d be a lot more concerned if one section of the heart was underdeveloped/smaller than the others). Our baby just has a plumbing issue that needs to be fixed. He said that as far as the heart itself is concerned, it’s been working and developing this way for 12 weeks now and there is no reason to believe that it should suddenly stop or that we cannot take the baby to full term. However, the baby will need heart surgery after birth which will have to take place in a bigger city (Salt Lake, Portland, Seattle…) that has specialty surgeons. More than likely this will happen within the first two weeks, but definitely within the first three months of life (the sooner the better actually). Remember, babies are built to do biology! Dr. Womack said a newborn baby undergoing open heart surgery actually probably has a better shot at surviving than we adults would. Biology is their specialty.

According to doctor Bobrowski, everything else in our ultrasound appears to be developing according to normal and nothing else appears to be wrong or indicating that anything else is wrong (another very good sign). It also helps that no one can think of anyone on either sides of our family that has had any major birth defects of any kind.

Side note: apparently the number one birth defect in newborn babies is heart defects (1 in 100 births), which means they have lots of specialists and unfortunately lots of practice at fixing such defects

What caused this?
There is a 96% chance that this is nothing more than bum luck and that something just went wrong in development. The other 6% chance could be a chromosomal abnormality or a genetic problem (part of a gene code being deleted). Unfortunately, if the heart defect is caused by either of these two issues it means our baby has a lot more serious problems than just a bum heart. Because we are trying to stay positive, I will not go into the ‘what if’s’ in these two scenarios. We will discuss and cross that bridge only if we have to.

So, to determine if the heart defect is linked to a chromosome or a genetic problem I had to undergo an amniocentesis yesterday. Amniocentesis is a procedure in which a small amount of amniotic fluid, which contains fetal tissues, is extracted using a needle from the amniotic sac surrounding a developing baby. From this fluid the fetal DNA is examined for genetic abnormalities. (Not as horrible a procedure as I had imagined, but certainly not fun either) The results on this test will take about 10 days. (Yeah, the waiting game!)

I am off work for the next few days as a precaution after this procedure (not a great idea to be stressed out, lifting heavy objects in the extreme heat after they’ve inserted a giant needle into your belly).

Quality of life?
If we are only dealing with a heart defect the doctors said that there is no reason to assume that our child cannot go on to live a pretty normal childhood and adult life. They said that we certainly won’t have an Olympic or endurance athlete on our hands (okay with me because being the parent of an Olympic athlete sounds like a lot of work!), but there is no reason to assume that our kid won’t be able to run around playing tag, hiking, and riding bikes with other kids. Of course, there will be physical limits to be aware of which vary differently with each child, but a doctor can help us figure these out and help us to raise a kid with as strong a heart as possible and a fun-filled childhood.

Please keep us all in your thoughts. Chad and I are doing pretty well. We’ve had some good cries (I’m sure there will be a few more) but we’ve decided that we’re going to expect this kid to be fine after a rough start at life. Think positive everyone! We truly do appreciate everyone’s concerns and support and we are open to answering any questions if we can. We have decided not to wallow in self pity and expect to continue on with life as normal. So… keep inviting us to do things, keep calling, come over, and don’t feel awkward around us! We’re strong and this kid is too dang it! (I’m not giving him any other option!)

Isn't he adorable! Looks like a fighter to me!

P.S. I feel him kick quite a bit now which is very reasuring to me.

Front Yard Yardwork!

So, I know I've been bad about posting yard pics, so... here's some before and after pics of the work we've done on the front yard up to this week. We've added a lot of plants to fill out our Xericscaping and we put some bark in the plant areas. It'll help hold in the water and it really makes the plants pop out. I'll add some more of the backyard soon hopefully.

First, here's a couple of pictures of the original front yard for anyone who never saw it. There was a huge arborvitae bush that blocked a good third of the house on the South side. This was the first thing we ripped out (Chad had to use the winch on the jeep to get it out!) Also, notice the huge unhealthy pine tree that we had to rip out. We've since replaced it with a beautiful Corkscrew Willow (I even named him 'Corkscrew Willy').

This picture of the front was taken after the arborvitae bush was removed. The arborvitae bush extended from the left hand side of the house, covering the first set of windows!

Since we live on such a busy street we decided to Xeriscape the front yard. This makes it both very beautiful and incredibly practical. Xeriscaping is a form of 'dry landscaping' that utilizes little water and emphasizes the use of native plants to an area, or plants that have the same characteristics as native plants. It is also low-maintenance (no grass to mow!)

The above pictures were taken from the front steps looking towards the road.

These pictures were taken from the sidewalk looking towards our house.

And finally, here's adding the bark! Don't the plants just pop out!?!

(That's Corkscrew Willy behind me. Isn't he cute?)

Since these last pictures (taken on Friday) we've added a couple more plants to the corner behind me in the last photo and we finished barking the other plant areas. As nice as it looks, we still have quite a bit more work, but we're getting there. I'll try to post pics of the backyard when I get a chance.

Boise Hawks Game

On Wednesday, June 17th, the Morris clan helped the Boise Hawks Baseball team open their Baseball season. Grandma and Grandpa Morris treated almost the entire Morris clan to a wonderful evening of dinner, visiting, and Baseball cheering! They bought tickets for everyone with the Thrivent Financial for Lutherans group that night. It was great. We got a very filling baseball-style dinner complete with hot dogs, hamburgers, coleslaw, potato chips, pop, and sherbt. Yum! And on top of that, we got a free Boise Hawks Baseball cap!

Darlene, Dean, Grandma and Grandpa Morris

Back: Dallas, Sara, Roz

Middle: Darla, Todd,

Front: Jolene, Danielle

The three goofballs: Sara, Roz, Nicki

The Hawks started the game strong, but then Eugene tied up the game towards the end. Thankfully, the Hawks pulled out a win with a Home Run in the bottom of the Ninth! (Yeah, no overtime!) I personally believe it was due to such a great crowd that attended to cheer them on... but they might disagree. Also, after the game we got an amazing fireworks display to end the evening. It was wonderful. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa Morris!

Two Yahoos!

17th Annual Sawtooth Relay

This last Saturday (14th) we were part of an amazing team that joined the Sawtooth Relay! This is a 62 mile relay race from Stanley all the way over Galena summit to Ketchum Idaho. Anyone who has driven this section will know that this route is nothing to scoff at!

Our team was named Psychic Sweetpants. Yep, that’s right. Psychic Sweetpants! The name was based on a couple funny incidents of misread words (namely physics and sweatpants). The team was a coed team consisting of our friends Tanya, Monica, Sumer, Cori, Mary, and Chad (yes, Chad was the co-ed part of the team). Each member of the team ran two different legs averaging a total 10 to 12 miles per person for the day. Our friend Sharene was the van driver for the runners for the entire day, and I was a volunteer at one of the relay stations. Each team had to provide a volunteer in order to participate. Basically, I spent 4 hours flagging vans and SUVs into parking spots while protecting people from being run over (kind of like at my job only with cars instead of airplanes).

Friday night (the 13th I might add), the day before the race, Monica, Tanya, Chad and I drove to Stanley where we camped for the night in Monica and Tanya’s Westfalia van named ‘Thelma’. We only got a couple hours sleep before waking up at 1:30am. We quickly ate breakfast and were on our way to meet the rest of the team at their hotel. Since I did not have to start volunteering until 8am, I took over the comfy hotel room (lucky me!), getting a few extra hours of sleep while the rest of the team headed to start the race. Their start time was 3:45 am!!!

Sawtooth Mountains in Stanley

Can you see the skull in the snow above the cabin?

Tanya, Monica and Chad teeter-tottering the night before the race!

Overall the race went very well. The weather was perfect (warm and sunny)! Everyone ran according to their projected times and the team as a whole came in about 10 minutes earlier than expected. They ran for almost 10 hours! It sounds like they had a great time during the day. A few mishaps along the way, but all laughable. Thankfully, after my volunteering I was able to beat the team to the finish line by a mere 5 minutes and got to take pictures as they crossed the finish. After the race, they provided food, drinks, and music for the participants and their volunteers. We also got free shirts as proof of the accomplishment. (My shirt of course says ‘volunteer’, so there’s no false bragging on my part)

Look, Chad's running so fast he's blurry!

The view from part-way up Galena Summit.

Chad again. Running like a champ.

Mary, Cori, and Monica crossing the finish line!

Sumer, Tanya, and Chad crossing the finish!

Cori, Mary, Sumer, Monica, Chad, Tanya. What a group!

Once we were done eating we all headed back into Stanley where we got a suite in the Mountain Village hotel that slept all 8 of us. A few of us even utilized the private natural hot springs owned by the hotel. It’s an enclosed natural hot spring located right by the stream that runs through Stanley. The building has big barn doors that can be opened to give a wonderful view of the Sawtooth Mountains while you soaked. It was beautiful! We also enjoyed watching a momma fox and four of her pups running around and playing on our way to and from the hot springs.

Overall, it was a great adventure. Who knows, perhaps we’ll do it again next year. Maybe then I’ll be able to run in it.