A beautifully painted box for Pax

So, Chad and I found a beautifully painted red and yellow box for Pax.

The box is from India and it is called a Shekhawati box. "In 18th Century India, wealthy merchants built beautifully painted Havelis (mansions) in the Rajasthan area of India. Over time, the artisans began painting every day household items. This box is an excellent example of the hand painted style in both the color and the delicate pattern."

We thought the box was absolutley beautiful and that it would be the perfect place for us to place the few memorable items we have of Pax. We would like to invite anyone who would like to add something, like a note or card (or whatever) to the box to please feel free to help us do so. If you want to add a letter, but don't want us to read it, that's fine with us too. We'll leave it sealed in the box. The only thing to keep in mind is that it is not a big box. Only 11 x 8'' on the inside.

Items we are currently keeping in the box:

When we first found out I was pregnant, we started a journal with the intention of writing in it over the years as our child grew up and someday, when they were grown we would give it to them. We've decided that even though Pax is gone we're going to keep this journal in the box and we've both agreed that we will still (and have since) continued to write in it to help with grieving process and to help us remember Pax, and the ever so short time we had him in our lives.

We're also going to store all the wonderful cards, letters, and notes that we have recieved from friends.

We're going to add a couple of the Jones Soda bottles that we used to announce him to the world.

At Nancy's request, we added the "I love my Grandma" bib that she got him after she found out she was going to be a Grandma.

Future additions:

We will get copies of all of Pax' ultrasound photos and add them.

Many people have pledged to plant trees in the near future in Pax honor (the response has been amazing and we're very excited to see people follow through with this) and we are hoping to get pictures of as many of the trees as possible after they are planted and we'll add those photos to the box too.

Also, I intend to announce on the blog whenever I find out that someone has planted a tree or has donated money to one of the charities. So, please, PLESE, keep us updated on the tree plantings and the donations you've made so that we can share with everyone the positive things that are coming out of this experience. It means the world to Chad and I, but also all of you family and frineds that are grieving with us. It helps Chad and I more than people can ever magine.

Thanks to everyone for all your love and support.

Getting out of the house - letting the world back in.

Okay, so I'll be the first to admit that I have pretty much locked myself in the house for the last week and shut the world completley out in order to cry, and then cry some more, and then cry even more.... I've ignored phone calls, emails, and even visits from friends. Our doorbell suddenly quit working. (Seriously, it just quit, and we've just left it that way.) I took it as a sign from the universe that it was okay for me to be selfish and ignore everything... for a bit. I will not apologize for this because I know you all understand and shutting out the world for a while felt like exactly what I've needed to do. From the time Pax was diagnosed until last week when he passed away life was so chaotic and filled with nothing but talking to doctors, talking to family, talking to friends, talking to each other, repeat... repeat... repeat... It felt like life was non stop talking with no answers whatsoever and no comfort to be found. But now we have comfort knowing that Pax will suffer no more and he's in a much better place. And while this is still an incredibly, incredibly hard time, I'm working on letting the world back in... slowly.

I have returned to work and everyone has been so amazing and supportive. I am lucky to work with so many people that are more like family than co-workers. They've made it as easy a transition for me and as welcoming as they possibly can. (Thank you guys!)

One of the most enjoyable outing we've had was a walk to the park with Nali. Chad and I walked down to Vetrans Memorial Park with her on a HOT afternoon so that we could 'play' with her in the water. Why did I put apostrophes around the word play? Well, many of you know that Nali is the weirdest lab in the world and she doesn't fetch, or particularly like water, among other quirks. So, by 'play' I mean that we spent time trying to coax her into the water and convince her that she's having a good time (instead she just acts like we're torchering her). In the end, Chad just kept throwing her in the river in an attempt to try to get her to see that it's not all that bad. Check out the photos. They're pretty cute if you ask us. (Nali might consider them as concrete physical evidence of torture though)

Chad, trying to coax her in.

Chad, 'convincing' her to get in.

Look at Chad's grin!

This is Nali's 'stop torturing me' face.

Then when it's all said and done, we bribe her with treats so she won't report us to the dog police for the torture we put her through.

In addition to this wonderful outing, we actually went out downtown last night for a concert. I admit that I was incredibly, INCREDIBLY aprehensive about going out in public. As you all can imagine, I never know from moment to moment how my emotions are going to be and how I'm going to handle the sadness when it hits me.

Chad's mom had gotten us the tickets to this concert (Ani Difranco) weeks ago, but in the midst of all the chaos in the last month and a half, we'd completely forgot about the concert. She contacted us a couple days ago to remind us and ask us if we were still interested in going. I was scared and reluctant to go. But after Chad and I talked we decided it would be good for me to get out and see some friends. We agreed that if at any time I broke down or was feeling overwhelmed I would simply leave.

The night was wonderful and I think it was exactly the 'easing back into something social' that I needed. Chad had to work until right before the concert started, so I met up with our wonderful friends Monica and Tanya for dinner at one of my favorite restraunts before the concert. The restraunt is called Bar Gernika and I got to enjoy one of my all time favorite foods - croquetas (aka 'little Basque balls of fried heaven'). I haven't enjoyed them in almost 6 months because they're not exactly considered healthy food to eat while you're pregnant. We then headed over to the concert house where I met up with Sara and Dallas. We had to separate from our friends at the door because Nancy had gotten us VIP tickets to the show and we were let in early at a seprate entrance. (Thanks Nancy!) This was wonderful because this allowed us to find a table and chairs on the first floor with a perfect view of the stage. Chad made it to the concert right before Ani started to play (to my complete relief because yes, I was increasingly apprehensive and anxious without him there in a huge crowd of people - just ask Sara).

Ani put on an absolutely amazing show and it was nice to see her play again as she's one of our all-time favorite artists. It was also a wonderful evening because we ran into a lot of great people at the show, some of whom we haven't seen in 7 years! and some who just moved back to Boise. It was a great evening and it made me smile many times which is a nice feeling for a change.

So, overall, I just wanted to let everyone know that while this is an incredibly hard time, we are doing okay. How could we not be with all the love and support everyone has shown us?

Also, I will try to post pictures of the Alaska trip that we took a couple weeks ago that got ignored on the blog. Hopefully I can do that this weekend or early next week.

Pax Corbyn Schwend - Rest in Peace

To our great sorrow, our son has moved on to a better place.

Rest in Peace

Pax Corbyn Schwend
“Peaceful, Raven” in latin

Rest in Peace

We love you. We miss you. We will think of you always.
You will live on in our hearts.

______________________________________________________
For anyone wishing to do something for us, we are asking people to help us remember our son by contributing in one of the following ways:

Plant a tree in honor of our son. Pick a tree, any tree, and plant it somewhere where it can grow big, strong and healthy in honor of our son. Please, let us know where it is and what kind of tree it is so that we might be able to visit it and watch it grow over the years. It would really mean a lot to us all to know there are a bunch of trees out there growing just for him.

Make a donation to one of the following Congenital Heart Defect Foundations. It doesn’t matter at all how much the donation is. Anything helps. You don’t have to tell us how much you’ve donated; just let us know that you’ve made one. We’ve decided to make a yearly contribution as a remembrance.

http://tchin.org/spencersfund/
www.littlehearts.org

Either one of these would immensely help us and our family in the healing process right now. It will take some time. We appreciate all the love and support.

Chad and Nicki Schwend